Success?

Hello, readers! Sorry it has been so long since my last post--I know you've been anxiously awaiting my next one. Wait no more, for here is (finally) is!

I was hoping to write a post after retreat, then after simplicity week, and now...it's 2 weeks after that! Obviously, a lot has happened, but I'll try to stick with one main theme. This time, I'll focus on the theme of success (as the title clearly states). I've been here about four months now, and what has come of it? Are there any success I can share with the states to make you feel like what I'm doing here is truly useful?

The short answer is no. Yet of course, it's much more complex than that. Maybe if I had chosen a program where I'd be building houses or helping people medically, I could point and say "Look, I built that" or "I fixed her." But the problems I face every day are so much deeper than what can be quickly 'fixed' and pointed at. I have the unique and blessed opportunity to spend real time with people, allowing me to get to know some of their sufferings as well as their joys. The problems that I see here amidst such drastic poverty cannot be fixed overnight, or even in a year, and especially not by me.

So, you may ask, what am I actually doing here? When I told you I was doing a year of service, you probably imagined me improving lives. And who's to say I'm not? I'm definitely not creating any great 'success' stories, neither teaching nor in my barrio, but maybe through my presence, I am opening people up to a feeling of love they never even knew they deserved before.

One recent example of me 'failing' in every conventional sense involves a child named Samuel--a 7 year old that I kind of want to kidnap to the US (of course that's not ACTUALLY going to happen, but it hasn't stopped me from thinking about it!). He grew up with his mom and stepdad in a house where he was neglected--without love, support, or even food. Recently, he moved in with his dad and stepmom, which while is not ideal, is 100 times better than before. Unfortunately, he has had trouble learning. This is definitely in part, if not totally, due to his traumatic past and lack of education, but he also appears to possibly have a learning disability. Being the helper that I am, I went to Pat, my boss at Nuevo Mundo, to see if she knew anyone who could test him for a disability. She graciously offered  the psychologists at Mundo, free of charge, to test him to see if there is a problem. Maybe this will point to why Samuel is having a hard time learning and will get his stepmom to be a bit easier on him while he struggles to spell and read.

Sadly, for reasons far beyond my control and I do not feel comfortable sharing here, the psychologists couldn't finish the testing. There was too much emotional and even legal baggage which they were not equipped to handle on a case that was a favor to me. Naturally, I was devastated. I worked so hard only to almost get in trouble for trying to help. Now I know Samuel needs a real psychologiest, but unfortunately they cannot afford one, so the learning and emotional problems remain as were.

Not the conventional definition of success, right? And in fact, it is pretty devastating. Yet I am comforted by Mother Teresa's words that, "We are not called to be successful, but faithful." And in this case, I believe I was faithful and I am committed to continue to be faithful to Samuel, no matter what that may entail. I am disheartened and frustrated by the outcome of the situation, but I suppose it is slowly helping me appreciate these words a bit more.

Fr. Greg Boyle (I can't go a blog without him!) expands on this quote by reflecting, "Salivating for success keeps you from being faithful, keeps you from truly seeing whover's sitting in front of you. Embracing a strategy and an approach you can believe in is sometimes the best you can do on any given day. If you surrender your need for results and outcomes, success becomes God's business. I find it hard enough to just be faithful" (Tattoos, 168). These words ring true as I continue muddling to be faithful and to act in a way of showing God's love. 

Naturally, I'd love to be successful--for my students to acheive great things because of something I said or did, for my neighbors to break the cycle of poverty because of my example. But all I can do is continue to try to be God's love and hope each moment that I am with them in order to show their potential. I can be this to my students, my neighbors like Samuel or Luis, who moved in with his dad looking for love but is receiving nothing but neglect from him--that he may realize he deserves the best and that he does not follow in his father's footsteps. For Jules and Liz when they're having a bad day. Even for myself--when I am struggling or down, I am brought back up mostly due to those around me and fill me up with their love, but also by trying to find God's love within me and the grace/joy all around me.

Am I succeeding here? Maybe not by the standard American definition, but by God's measure, I think so. Of course, I stumble and fall short of being love often, but I am comforted knowing that these relationships I am building are real and that even after this year, no one can rob me of these beautiful friendships.

Until nextl next time, paz y amor.

Living in the Present Moment

"There's a reason they call God a presence--because God is right here, right now. In the present is the only place to find Him, and now is the only time." --Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love


The time has come for yet another blog post. I have a few stories to share with you, and there are just a handful of present moments where God has been obvious. In reality, the stories and moments have been too many to count, let alone share, but I hope these will suffice.


For the past month plus, I've been wanting to visit Elsa again. Elsa is an extremely poor invasion community about a 20 minute walk from our house. We have some friends that live out there, including one of my favorite families. Yet unfortunately, I wasn't able to go until about a week and a half ago (the 22nd), but it was well worth the wait. The family we visited lives in complete poverty, but their joy and energy never cease to amaze me.  Even playing jenga with 9 pieces or a free toothpaste game excited them more than almost anything could excite me. Their ability to fill me up with love--with God--is astonishing. Those kids are incredibly special, and what makes it better is that their mom wants a better life for them--better education than what they're receiving, better health care, everything. I feel lucky to share in the struggles and joys faced by this particular family, and only hope I can visit more often.


The same day, I went to the Anitas' house (the mom and 2 girls, 16 and 8, are all named Anita, and they are awesome). I was just hanging out when one girl brings out the 16 year old's shoes. Naturally, I try on a pair of really run heels (we're the same size). Little Anita wanted a picture, and after finding the camera, a dress was shoved into my arms. I guess the clothes I had on just weren't good enough. I changed into the dress and heels, walked out, and after some ooos and aaahhs and photos, was then given 3 more dresses to try on and model. They were loving it, and I was also having a lot of fun in the moment, while also wondering what was going on. At the end, the mom decided to give me one of the dresses--something that looks like a sexy 80's little black dress. She told me to take a picture of me and my family in the dress when I'm back home and send it to her, and to remember her whenever I wear it. I was flabberghasted. I've been gifted some pretty crazy things here, but they almost all have to do with food--ice cream, yogurt, buckets of fruit, barretts. I still don't know my complete reaction, but I'm touched by her generosity and the generosity I receive every day.


A medical group from the US was here last week, and while I personally had no affiliation, my housemate Liz helped them every day as part of her worksite. Since some of my mornings are free, I decided to go in on Monday to check it out. The team performed 25 surgeries on kids with bone problems from the hip down, and I witnessed parts of the first two--live, in the OR! One was correcting the hip of a 5 year old boy, and I saw the doctors cut the femur and drill a metal plate in. The other was correcting an 18 month's feet, since the ankle connected to the middle of the foot. I got to be mere feet away from the surgeries, which is something I can't imagine would ever happen back home. It was beautiful to know that these surgeries could easily change the lives of these kids, and while maybe I didn't help, witnessing was pretty incredible.


Last night, as you probably know, was Halloween. Here, that means practically nothing. "Dia del Oscuro" is hardly celebrated, but we wanted to do something fun for the kids in our neighborhood.  We threw a mini party that included caramel corn, cookies, homemade pumpkin pie, arts and crafts, and face painting. The neighbors loved it! The food was devoured, faces were painted with ghosts, pumpkins, and moustaches (which one of those does not belong...), and before you know it, it turned into a full on paint war. At this point, it was just the 3 of us and about 10 kids. I ended up being covered head to toe in paint, especially my face and arms, of whatever color they could find. We may have started neighborhood vendettas, but...it's all fun and games, right? Probably my best Halloween yet, and it was pure chaos.


Those are some of the big moments where God has been clearly present in the last few weeks, but (s)he has been everywhere. Particularly when I look back, I am amazed by "the quiet miracles that seek no attention" (John O Donohue). I realize the greatness of God in my small daily interactions and I am humbled. Humbled that God is so vast, so loving, so good. Humled that I can partake in God's story, that I can be the body of Christ. I'm not saying that I'm a perfect body, but I am humbled by the power of the Spirit and that I have the ability to act as the living Christ at all. I am humbled by the generosity of the people around me, by the love from kids who have received such little love, by families who do anything to make a good life for their kids. In all of this I see Christ, and by all of this I realize that God is a presence. God is here, in us, right now, working constantly through people's goodness. I don't want to romantacize anything because clearly we are all human, and in some people it is difficult to see Christ. But that doesn't mean the Spirit isn't acting in some way, whispering to us, pushing us to choose love. So that's what I'm doing--trying to listen and choose love every moment that I can.


Until next time, paz y amor.