Success?

Hello, readers! Sorry it has been so long since my last post--I know you've been anxiously awaiting my next one. Wait no more, for here is (finally) is!

I was hoping to write a post after retreat, then after simplicity week, and now...it's 2 weeks after that! Obviously, a lot has happened, but I'll try to stick with one main theme. This time, I'll focus on the theme of success (as the title clearly states). I've been here about four months now, and what has come of it? Are there any success I can share with the states to make you feel like what I'm doing here is truly useful?

The short answer is no. Yet of course, it's much more complex than that. Maybe if I had chosen a program where I'd be building houses or helping people medically, I could point and say "Look, I built that" or "I fixed her." But the problems I face every day are so much deeper than what can be quickly 'fixed' and pointed at. I have the unique and blessed opportunity to spend real time with people, allowing me to get to know some of their sufferings as well as their joys. The problems that I see here amidst such drastic poverty cannot be fixed overnight, or even in a year, and especially not by me.

So, you may ask, what am I actually doing here? When I told you I was doing a year of service, you probably imagined me improving lives. And who's to say I'm not? I'm definitely not creating any great 'success' stories, neither teaching nor in my barrio, but maybe through my presence, I am opening people up to a feeling of love they never even knew they deserved before.

One recent example of me 'failing' in every conventional sense involves a child named Samuel--a 7 year old that I kind of want to kidnap to the US (of course that's not ACTUALLY going to happen, but it hasn't stopped me from thinking about it!). He grew up with his mom and stepdad in a house where he was neglected--without love, support, or even food. Recently, he moved in with his dad and stepmom, which while is not ideal, is 100 times better than before. Unfortunately, he has had trouble learning. This is definitely in part, if not totally, due to his traumatic past and lack of education, but he also appears to possibly have a learning disability. Being the helper that I am, I went to Pat, my boss at Nuevo Mundo, to see if she knew anyone who could test him for a disability. She graciously offered  the psychologists at Mundo, free of charge, to test him to see if there is a problem. Maybe this will point to why Samuel is having a hard time learning and will get his stepmom to be a bit easier on him while he struggles to spell and read.

Sadly, for reasons far beyond my control and I do not feel comfortable sharing here, the psychologists couldn't finish the testing. There was too much emotional and even legal baggage which they were not equipped to handle on a case that was a favor to me. Naturally, I was devastated. I worked so hard only to almost get in trouble for trying to help. Now I know Samuel needs a real psychologiest, but unfortunately they cannot afford one, so the learning and emotional problems remain as were.

Not the conventional definition of success, right? And in fact, it is pretty devastating. Yet I am comforted by Mother Teresa's words that, "We are not called to be successful, but faithful." And in this case, I believe I was faithful and I am committed to continue to be faithful to Samuel, no matter what that may entail. I am disheartened and frustrated by the outcome of the situation, but I suppose it is slowly helping me appreciate these words a bit more.

Fr. Greg Boyle (I can't go a blog without him!) expands on this quote by reflecting, "Salivating for success keeps you from being faithful, keeps you from truly seeing whover's sitting in front of you. Embracing a strategy and an approach you can believe in is sometimes the best you can do on any given day. If you surrender your need for results and outcomes, success becomes God's business. I find it hard enough to just be faithful" (Tattoos, 168). These words ring true as I continue muddling to be faithful and to act in a way of showing God's love. 

Naturally, I'd love to be successful--for my students to acheive great things because of something I said or did, for my neighbors to break the cycle of poverty because of my example. But all I can do is continue to try to be God's love and hope each moment that I am with them in order to show their potential. I can be this to my students, my neighbors like Samuel or Luis, who moved in with his dad looking for love but is receiving nothing but neglect from him--that he may realize he deserves the best and that he does not follow in his father's footsteps. For Jules and Liz when they're having a bad day. Even for myself--when I am struggling or down, I am brought back up mostly due to those around me and fill me up with their love, but also by trying to find God's love within me and the grace/joy all around me.

Am I succeeding here? Maybe not by the standard American definition, but by God's measure, I think so. Of course, I stumble and fall short of being love often, but I am comforted knowing that these relationships I am building are real and that even after this year, no one can rob me of these beautiful friendships.

Until nextl next time, paz y amor.