Surprised by Joy

Thank goodness it’s Leap Day—I wanted to get a blog out in February, so this is truly my last chance!

So I am about to start my seventh month here (ahh! It’s winding down!).  Looking back into February, a lot of great things have happened—exhausting, but wonderful.  When I step back and think about them, I find that I’ve been continuously surprised by joy.

Going into the month, I was at at eh place, meaning not terrible but also not too great either.  I felt frustrated by my faith life, not satisfied by the slowness of relationships here, confused with myself, and essentially feeling like I needed a change of pace.  And oh, how that happened.

Starting work at Semillas de Mostaza, the after school program in Arbolito (the neighborhood where the other Duran people live, pretty close to my neighborhood but still a bus ride away) was the first sign of God’s grace.  Immediately, I was constantly exhausted but also refreshed.  Being in the midst of 70 to 100 kids every day, helping lead an activity (or attempting to at least), and playing with those kiddos has brought a lot of joy into my life.  Yes, it can be a headache, and quite a lot of the kids can drive me crazy, but the energy and love fostered into this place inspires me.  Some of the kids break my heart with their cuteness and desire for love.  One of my favorite families, after a few short weeks, actually moved.  It still brings my pain that they are not there and I hope they’re in a good situation, but I loved showering love on them.  Even though I am here for such a short time, I am still trying to pour my heart out and be there for the kids.  For some, it may be the only, or best, attention they get all day.  My patience has been stretched many times, but I find myself learning and growing from these kids and I only hope I am returning the favor.

Working with the scholarship kids at Nuevo Mundo (the five brightest that finished the foundation school, up to ninth grade, and received scholarships to study in the morning) has fostered the building of more personal relationships with students that I was hoping for.  Although none were my kids from last year, I am having fun teaching them English and history in a less structured setting.  I am still pretty sure teaching is not for me, but at least I’m learning that now!

Probably the biggest blessing I received this week was our half way there retreat for the volunteers.  This was in Ayangue, a beautiful beach a few hours away, and was led by Colie, an old Rostro volunteer.  At a time of self-doubt, I went there in the unknowing midst of an identity crisis—one that I could name once there.  I found myself suffering from an ugly mix of pride and self-consciousness, which I had no idea where it came from.  Yet on only the first day there, I realized it stemmed from not being sure of who I am here.  No wonder I often didn’t feel like my full self or was full of doubt—I didn’t even know who I was!  Which is something I thought I figured out last year and didn’t realize that would be called into question or changed here.  But it makes perfect sense.  Of course in Ecuador away from everyone and everything I know, my identity and sense of self would change.  This retreat helped me to name this.  Now I won’t lie and say that I’ve since figured out who I am, but I will say that the ‘ugly mix’ has essentially disappeared.  Instead, I am daily trying to put my identity into the hands of God.  It’s not so much who am I, but who am I infused with Christ?  What does it mean for Christ to be at the center of my being?  So I am trying to let go of who I was last year—what I thought I was good at and all of that—and instead open myself up to the me God is making me right now.  I may be just as confused, but it’s liberating to not have it rest in my hands anymore.

So retreat was basically perfect for me.  Colie inspired my faith life a lot and reawakened it, which I am very grateful for.  I also had some great inter-community time, and I truly enjoyed spending time with other volunteers.  It helped me to see people in a new light and recognize God at work.

Another aspect of the month that surprised me into joy was the retreat group I led—an all boys group from St. John’s High School in Massachusetts.  I was quite nervous at first, not so much about leading, but about the fact that they’re all boys and in high school.  What would their maturity be?  And would they ‘get it’?  Needless to say, I was blown away.  I instantly fell in love with this group of crazy, energetic, and yet deep and thoughtful boys.  We had an epic time playing Carnaval with neighbors and all sorts of kids (Carnaval is essentially a three day Mardis Gras, in which everyone throws water, paint, mud, etc at each other).  Part of me was bummed that I couldn’t just play with the neighbors whenever and however I wanted, but in the end I’m glad it happened this way.  To share in their energy and joy was incredible.

Yet the group wasn’t here to only play, but also, and more so, to learn.  And that they did.  We met with a lot of neighbors who shared their stories with the boys, which broke down both cultural barriers and hearts.  We played with kids in after school programs and met patients with Hansen’s Disease at Damien House.  We talked with the scholarship students about Nuevo Mundo and were overall educated about aspects of life in Duran.  Because of their new eyes, their questions, and their reflections, my own heart was opened again by the poverty and injustice around me.  Something I sadly got used to became new again.  Thanks to their energy and love, they helped me to go deeper in my relationships and presence here.

Of course, the month hasn’t all been filled with joy.  Ecuador is always a rollercoaster.  But enough happened where I can say I was often surprised by joy.  I think the Lenten season will be a good time to reign in some areas in which I have gone astray, to bring the AJS community even closer together, and to help me better realize and share the light of God that already is within me.  Isn’t that cool?  We all have God’s light within us, but it’s our job to break open ourselves in order to let it shine.  Thankfully, despite all the challenges, God is good and I am relishing in His love.   Until next time, paz y amor.